TABLE OF CONTENTS

The Paradox of Our Time

Often recited by George Carlin

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.

We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less. We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've split the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less.

We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships. These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition. These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw-away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight . . . .or to just hit delete.

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Instructions for Life in the New Millennium

Dalai Lama

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs:
1.     Respect for self
2.     Respect for others and
3.     Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Wisdom List

Will Rogers

1. Don't squat with your spurs on.
2. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
3. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
4. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
5. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
6. Always drink upstream from the herd.
7. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
9. There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
10. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
11. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
12. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
13. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...

The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

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Ten Tunes That Shook the World

David Stabler

• Alma redemptoris mater ("Loving mother of the redeemer"). By Hermann of Reichenauor "Herman the Lame" (c. 1013-1054). This simple chant of pure melody creates a cloister in your living room. The melody - one of the earlies tby a known composer - is not intricate but stays within an octave span and obeys melodic rules. The rise and fall of pitches arches smoothly, tracking the words and pulling like a magnet to the close. The melody is sung in unison, so the tune gains all its energy from pitch, not rhythm or harmony.
• Columba aspexit (The dove peered in). By Hildegard of Bengen (1098-1179). These seven minutes of serenity represent the epitome of chant. The unadorned melody suggests devotion that is both rapturous and mysterious. Hildegard's characteristically wide melodic range departs from chant's usual reciting contours yet maintains a delicate equilibrium as stark and powerful as a Mark Rothko painting. Between composing, having visions and running a nunnery in Bingen, Germany, Hildegard, one of the most remarkable women of the Middle Ages, was consulted by popes and emperors. She composed in a highly individual style to accompany poems she wrote for church services. Here, her elaborage images describe perfume as the grace of god and a tower of wood and gems as a symbol of the church.
• Sumer is icumen in -anonymous. As dance fever swept medieval Europe, this upbeat tune jumped to the top of the (illuminated) charts. "Sumer" is widely accepted as the most famous of all compostions from the Middle Ages, even though the composer is unknown. Today, "Sumer" sounds a bit like a child's sing-song ditty. It's actually the first known example of a canon or round, like "Row, row, row your boat," where one voice starts and others follow at regular intervals. The syncopated dance rhythms suggest a happy soul embracing the arrival of summer. Think "Good Vibrations" for the serf set.
• My End Is My Beginning. By Guillaume de Machaut (1300-1377). Machaut's best-known work broke ground with a style called Ars Nova ("New Art"). "My End" is an astonishingly clever French song where one singer reads the melody forward while another sings it backward. The second half is the reverse of the first half. For all its intricacies, the tune sounds less strange to modern ears than music of the 12th century and earlier. We hear definite cadences, and the lively entwining of melodic lines pushes the stylistic boundary, suggesting that a song can be as naturally expressive as a poem.
• L 'homme arme. By Guillaume Dufay (c. 1400-1474). This medieval hit tune was as ubiquitous in the 15th century as George Gershwin's "I Got Rhythm" is today. Actually, "L 'homme arme" ("The armed man") is an anonymous French folk song and was so exuberant that dozens of composers, including all the 15th - and 16th- century big guys, borrowed it. Dufay, a musical celebrity in northern France, used it as a recurring theme throughout his Mass. The swinging syncopations push the music forward, with one glaring interruption when the tune suddenly jumps off the trampoline.
• Mass of Pope Marcellus. By Giovanni Palestrina (1525-1594) Legend says this work saved Western polyphony from the purges of the Catholic Church, which tried to abolish anything "impure or lascivious" in the wake of the Reformation. The story is probably untrue, but Palestrina's smooth melodies are so clearly reverent that he is credited with saving high art, even if it didn't need saving. His Mass of Pope Marcellus towers above other 16th century works, not for any one melody but for dozens of them, all soaring over subtly shifting harmonies. The spacious settings that separate the high and low vocal parts, the use of double choirs and the inevitable progression toward cadences are all about discipline, controlled beauty and the echoing glory of the Roman churches.
• When I Am Laid in Earth" from "Dido and Aeneas. By Henry Purcell (1659-1695). Of all the upbeat baroque tunes that send toes tapping, Dido's lament is melody at its most descriptive. The tune isn't memorable like G.G. Handel's "Hallelujah Chorus," but its stately progression over a repeating bass line (called a chaconne) conveyed grief with an eloquence that inspired composers to expand their emotional palette. Dido, who loses her Trojan hero when two witches send him away, sings the phrase "No trouble" in a remarkable imitation of a sigh, a gesture of weeping. Purcell was a master at such word paintinng, but fortunately, he never had to set "Feelings."
• "Haffner" Symphony. By W.A. Mozart (1756-1791). Here is melody as adventure: volcanic leaps, whirring trills and dynamic silences. The march rhythm isn't bad either, with the bold asymmetry of a five-measure phrase: three bars answered by two. Known for creating vivid drama within the 18th century's formal confines, Mozart breaks the rules by going for the heroic - a two-octave leap followed by a two-octave plunge back to earth. Not even Beethoven thought of that. Mozart tightens the tension by compressing time. The two C-sharps in the third measure happen too quickly for conventional melodies, and he cuts short the pause that follows them. And yet, the march like theme of the sixth bar balances the entire melody. Order is restored.
• "Ode to Joy" Ninth Symphony. By Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827). Beethoven build his own world with the Ninth by putting singers on stage next to symphonic instruments. The tune, which appears in the last movement, sounds as simple as a folk song, but Beethoven struggled mightily with the last eight bars, drafting dozens of versions. The melody is so familiar, it's hard to hear it for what it really is: an inspiration, a prayer, a call for brotherhood that each age appropriates for its own song of hope. Last-century listeners heard man's trimph over nature, what Richard Wagner called "Light breaking forth over chaos." Our century grabbed it as a symbol of global unity in a world that has lost its spiritual way. In 1989, Leonard Bernstein conducted the Ninth at the fall of the Berlin Wall while choirs from Montreal, Moscow, Geneva and San Francisco sang together, linked by satellite.
• Happy Birthday to You. Music and lyrics by Mildred J. Hill and Patty S. Hill. Whether sung in Swedish, Malaysian of African Ewe, "Happy Birthday to You" is a tune that transcends triteness. Two sisters, both kindergarten and Sunday school teachers in Louisville, Ky., wrote what has become one of the three most popular songs in the english language, along with "Auld Lang Syne" and "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow." The sisters wanted a song that any child could sing, composed it in 1893 and called it "Good Morning to All." They added the birthday lyrics later. "Happy Birthday" wasn't copyrighted until 1935, but it seems to belong to everybody, including Marilyn Monroe, who breathed it to President kennedy on his 45th birthday in Madison Square Garden. Actually, the lyrics are under copyright untill 2030, so by law, any public performance of the song for profit triggers a copyright fee. Royalty fees bring in $1 million a year to a New Jersey publisher owned by Warner Bros. Publications, Inc. Enforcing the copyright is a headache. Casio pays a penny for each digital watch that plays "Happy Birthday." Hallmark cards that play it pay up, too. When the song appeared uncredited in Broadway's "The Gin Game," the publisher asked for $25 per performace for the remainder of the run. Today, you can buy the sheet music for $3.50.

(The Sunday Oregonian: Arts/Books)

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List of Abbreviations for Online Communication

Carla G. Surratt

(Surrat, Carla G. Netlife: Internet Citizens and Their Communities. Commack, NY: Nova Science. 1998)

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List of Emoticons

Carla G. Surratt

(Surratt, Carla G. Netlife: Internet Citizens and Their Communities. Commack, NY: Nova Science Publishers. 1998.)

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Jedi Wisdom

Star Wars, Episode I

1. Let go of your anger.
2. Let the Force flow through you.
3. Don't center on your anxiety.
4. Do or do not. There is no try.
5. Let go your conscious self.  Act on instinct.
6. Keep your concentration on the here and now.
7. You eyes can deceive you. Don't trust them.
8. Don't give in to hate.
9. Beware the Dark Side.  Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.
10. Judge me not by my size.

("Jedi Wisdom". Star Wars, Edpsode 1)

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Miscellaneous

And you thought you were having a bad day...

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amidcheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And the capper.......

1. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a Cal pharmacologist developed a suppository. The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame. Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.

Here's hoping your day is better than any of these. At least FIVE people have jobs worse than yours! Now stop complaining and get back to work! ;-)

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Are You Old?

Beloit College staff

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen.

Here's this year's (2002?) list:

1. They never had a Polio shot, and likely do not know what it is.
2. Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic; they have no idea what a pull-top can looks like.
3. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
4. They have never owned a record player.
5. They have likely never played Pac Man & have never heard of Pong.
6. Star Wars (original 3 episodes) looks very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic.
7. They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably never have actually seen or heard one.
8. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
9. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
10. They have always had an answering machine.
11. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
12. They have always had cable.
13. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
14. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
15. They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
16. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
17. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
18. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
19. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.
20. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
21. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII, or even the Civil War.
22. They have no idea Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
23. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
24. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
25. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
26. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
27. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
28. There has always been MTV.

Scary...

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The Bell Curve of Life

• At age 4, success is ........... not peeing in your pants.
• At age 12, success is ......... having friends.
• At age 16, success is ......... having a drivers license.
• At age 20, success is ........  having sex.
• At age 35, success is ........  having money.
• At age 50, success is ........  having money.
• At age 60, success is ........  having sex.
• At age 70, success is ........  having a drivers license.
• At age 75, success is .......   having friends.
• At age 80, success is .......   not peeing in your pants.

It's the bell curve of life!

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Bulwar Lytton Winners

These are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwar Lytton contest, wherein one writes only the first line of a novel:

• 10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it."
• 9) "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."
• 8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
• 7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: "Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep."
• 6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex change surgeon to become the woman he loved."
• 5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her  from eking out a living at a local pet store."
• 4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
• 3) "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
• 2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.

• AND THE WINNER IS...
• 1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"

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Chevy Nova Award Nominees

These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given out in honor of GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America. "No va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go"

1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure.
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label.  Later theylearned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (elPapa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela," meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on thedialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole," translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. Frank Purdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man tomake a chicken affectionate."
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"
12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather"campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

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Darwin Awards

Darwin Awards are (by definition) granted posthumously. This citation is bestowed upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

• [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
• [Hickory Daily Record 12/21/92] XXXXX, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear...
• [Unknown, 25 March] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his systm. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was ". . . a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
• [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. XXXXX, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony", Honer said. "It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected."
• [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said XXXXX, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. XXXXX previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. XXXXX, managing partner of the firm XXXXX, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that XXXXX was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
• [AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug. 1995 CAIRO, Egypt (AP)] Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.
• [Times of London] A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sunbed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burn victims, has a maximum dosage of 10 seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan." Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life.

"More intelligence-challenged people"

• 45 year-old XXXXX was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to themechanic for an oil change. According to police, XXXXXX later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
• Portsmouth, R.I. Police charged XXXXX 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he:
  1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and2. later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.
• XXXXX, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida, for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw, which was not plugged in.
• The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 a.m., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

In case you've forgotten about the 1995 awardees, some of them are listed below:

• XXXXX, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck". XXXXX got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while XXXXX hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. XXXXX clothes caught on something, however, and the other man foundXXXXX "wrapped in the drive shaft." [Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95]
• In Wesley Chapel, Florida, XXXXX, 20, was hit in the leg with pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. When repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he couldn't find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.

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Darwin Award Winners (more of)!

(8 May 1999)

The Darwin Awards are given every year-sometimes more than once-to bestow upon (the remains of) those individuals who, through single-minded self-sacrifice, have improved the human gene pool by removing themselves (or trying to remove themselves) from it. To borrow a line from 'The Lion King,' these folks are definitely from the shallow end of the gene pool to begin with.

• GRAVITY KILLS A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County (Virginia) police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. The length of the cord that he had assembled was longer than the distance between the trestle and the ground, Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was major trauma. An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
• LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY... Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming fourth of July holiday and apparently wanted to test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and eating arrangements were atop a several-hundred-thousand-gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles and miles. They were launched, no doubt, countless thousands of feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.
• DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT . . . A lawyer and two of his buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas. A lightning storm hit the lake and most of the fisherman immediately headed for the shore. But not our friend the lawyer. He was alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat and his buddies were in the front. This gentleman stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT Needless to say, God delivered. Well, wouldn't you? The other two passengers on the boat survived and are said to have immediately joined the Ministry.
• CATCH . . . A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal, you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a Darwin Award candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Award candidate) was hospitalized.
• THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU . . . Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone, more or less. He was doing the usual walking and talking when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.
• GIMME A LIGHT . . . Several years ago, in a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in thewarehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician who was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as bright by his peers. --The problem with making things idiotproof is that idiots are so ingenious.

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Dilbert's Rules of Order

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't need him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem; you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
8. My reality check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
16. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the week.
18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
21. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
23. Following the rules will not get the job done.
24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger  handle this?"

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Dilbert-like Quotes

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type situations. Here are the top 12 finalists:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next
2. Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in
3. Redmond, WA.)
4. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
5. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, ElectricBoat Company)
6. This project is so important; we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel vice)
7. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months.
8. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
9. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
10. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
11. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
12. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
13. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
14. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
15. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

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Employment Woes

• My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
• Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
• After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow.
• Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was ex-hausting.
• I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
• I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
• I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

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Esquire's 1998 Dubious Achievement Awards

Esquire Magazine

• A British publisher released Poems for a Princess, a collection of 1,562 amateur tributes to Diana, which included "She touched our hearts, filled a void. Her sudden death has left us annoyed" and 6 appearances of the phrase "and from the wreckage, they did pry."
• Another sign that Satan does not keep his promises. Bill Gates' computer crashed twice during a demonstration of Windows '98 at the Comdex show in Chicago.
• Academic of the year, University of California researcher Nicholas Christenfeld, reported that men with good initials (ACE, WOW, JOY) live longer than those with bad ones (DUD, ASS, PIG)
• Arizona passed a law that would make the buying and selling of children illegal.
• A deputy at a county jail in upstate New York was fired after he rigged one of the jail's surveillance monitors to show the last episode of Seinfeld.  Hadn't he suffered enough already?
• Princess Diana's memorial fund made a deal to put its official Di logo on plastic tubs of margarine.
• Instead of rushing to the hospital to see her dying father, Nancy Sinatra stayed home to watch the final episode of Seinfeld. She later admitted ruefully that she could have taped it.
• To protest "harassment" of his brother Eric Rudolph, the suspected Olympic bomber, Daniel Rudolph cut off his left hand with a table saw and sent a video of the act to the FBI.
• As a tribute to Ray Charles, a WFBC-FM disc jockey drove blindfolded in rush-hour traffic through the streets of Greenville, Georgia.
• In a ceremony complete with cake, flowers, two hundred guests, and a mirror, Janet Downes of Nebraska recited her vows and married herself on her fortieth birthday.
• In Florida, Randall James Baker, 45, shot his friend Robert Callihan, 47, in the head while attempting to shoot the button off the top of his new baseball cap.
• A Russian security guard died after asking a colleague to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him.
• An Ivory Coast army colonel died after he shot himself in order to test a magic belt he had bought from a cousin.
• Al Nino of Nipomo, California received more than a hundred telephone calls from strangers rebuking him for this year's storms.
• Ralph Nader announced plans to open the Museum of American Tort Law, featuring such exhibits as the Ford Pinto, asbestos, flammable pajamas, and faulty breast implants.
• Paul Shimjkonis filed suite against a Clearwater, Florida topless bar, claiming he sustained injuries to his neck and head when stripper Tawny Peaks struck him with her size 69 HH (uh, never mind)
• Tokyo commuter Katsuo Katugoru caused havoc on a crowded subway train when his homemade rubber underpants, designed to inflate to thirty times their original size in the event of a tidal wave, unexpectedly went off when he reached into his pants.
• After his arrest for attempting intimacy with an elephant, Kim Lee Chong of Thailand claimed he thought the animal was the reincarnation of his late wife, and that he had recognized her by the naughty glint in her eyes.
• New York artist Berton Benes created a ring made out of Larry Hagman's gallstones.
• Responding to criticism that the cross-promotion of Disney's Animal Kingdom with the McRib sandwich seemed strange, a McDonald's spokesman said "Animal Kingdom is very much a wild experience, & the taste of McRib is a wild taste that allows customers to experience the fun & magic of Animal Kingdom without going to Orlando..."
• After he was arrested for driving his Hummer on the wrong side of the street in LA, rapper Coolio said "I didn't want my kids to have to cross the street"
• When it was pointed out that his license had expired, he explained "I've been out of town. I was in Egypt"....
• When marijuana was found in his car, Coolio explained. "I have friends who have prescriptions for it"...
• When he was found to be carrying a concealed weapon, he said, "I go to shoot on Tuesdays, so the gun's right here."
• After leading police on a high-speed chase on I-215, a man in Perris, California jumped out of his car and tried to push it when it ran out of gas.
• In March, a New York judge awarded socialite Jocelyne Wildenstein $160,000 a month in alimony but said that she had to pay for her own plastic surgery.
• Gas stations in western China began offering a free prostitute with each fill-up.
• Clerks at a Blockbuster video in London refused to rent a movie to Tom Cruise because he could not produce two forms of identification.
• Despite hospital records proving she had been given the wrong newborn, Mom of the Year Ladonna Harris of Memphis refused to take home her own child. "That kid is ugly," she said. "He doesn't look like my other kids."
• "You read what Disraeli had to say ....I don't remember what he said. He said something. He's no longer with us." Bob Dole at a book signing for his Anthology, Great Wit of the 20th Century"
• Terri O'Connell, formerly JT Hayes, became auto racing's first transsexual driver.
• The Palm Beach International Film Festival presented Sylvester Stallone with its "lifetime achievement" award.
• After animal liberationists released 7000 captive mink from a farm in Onneley, England, hundreds were killed when they were run over by cars, attacked by cats and dogs, and shot by local farmers. Many of the surviving minks later died from stress.
• A whale watching cruise boat off Massachusetts struck and killed a twenty-foot minke whale.
• "Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is brigh___." Jonathon Nobles, executed in midsong by lethal injection
• In July, the Kentucky State legislature repealed a law banning members of the clergy from carrying concealed weapons in houses of worship.
• A video store in American Fork, Utah offered to delete the sex scenes from customer's personal copies of Titanic.
• In Japan, Masaomi Yamamoto invented a device that translates animal sounds and facial expressions into recognizable phrases so that owners can better understand their pets' thoughts and needs.
• After finding a potato marked with "eyes, nose, hair, and a beard," Sunnu Miah of London speculated that the potato "might have come from alien sperm that some how ended up in a pile of potatoes."
• Hallmark announced a line of sympathy cards for the survivors of suicide victims.
• Justifying his one-child-per-family philosophy with his own 5 children, Ted Turner said, "If I was doing it over, I wouldn't have done it, but I can't shoot them now that they're here."
• Facing reporters after CNN renounced its story about the US Army's use of nerve gas in Vietnam, Ted Turner said "If I thought it would do good, if anybody has a whip here, I'll just take my shirt off and beat myself until I'm bloody on the back, if it would make anybody feel better."
•  Sony rushed to modify new models of its Handycam after a magazine article revealed that the video camera's infrared NightShot function could be used to see through clothes in the daytime.
• Thinking that he was ignoring her, Margarita Sanchez of Huatusco, Mexico slept next to the body of her dead husband for eight days.

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From a sign on the wall of Shishu Bhavan, the children's home in Calcutta

ANYWAY- People are unreasonable, illogical and self centered,

LOVE THEM ANYWAY- If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives,

DO GOOD ANYWAY- If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies,

SUCCEED ANYWAY- The good you do will be forgotten tomorrow

DO GOOD ANYWAY- Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable,

BE HONEST AND FRANK ANYWAY- What you spent years building may be destroyed overnight,

BUILD ANYWAY- People really need help but may attack you if you help them,

HELP PEOPLE ANYWAY- Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth

GIVE THE WORLD THE BEST YOU'VE GOT ANYWAY

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Getting Older

God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing; I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. If all is not lost where is it?
6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
7. Some days you 're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
8. I wished the buck stopped here, I could use a few.
9. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
10. Only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
11. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
12. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
13. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere!
14. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

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Great "Bad" Predictions by Experts

1. "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 15 tons."
   - Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949


2. "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
   - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM,1943


3. "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
   - The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957


4. "But what ... is it good for?"
   - Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968,commenting on the microchip
   


5. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
   - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977


6. "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
   - Western Union internal memo, 1876


7. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
   - David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s


8. "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
   - A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)


9. "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
   - Harry M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927


10. "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
    - Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind"


11. "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
    - Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting her company, Mrs. Fields' Cookies


12. "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
    - Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962


13. "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
    - Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895


14. "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
    - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives on 3-M "Post-It" Notepads


15. "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you; you haven't got through college yet.'"
    - Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer


16. "Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
    - 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work


17. "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training."
    - Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus


18. "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."
    - Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859


19. "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
    - Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929


20. "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
    - Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre


21. "Everything that can be invented has been invented."
    - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899


22. "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
    - Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872


23. "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon."
    - Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873


24. "640K ought to be enough for anybody."
    - Bill Gates, 1981

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Haikus From Sony

Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio.  Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows 95, 3.1, and DOS operating systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said, "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been-until now-an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the usual impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry."

The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages:

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words:  "File not found."

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen.  Mind.  Both are blank.

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How to Show Someone You Are Non-Virtual

Jennifer

1. Make sure they understand which type of hologram you are.
2. Let them play with the controls sometimes.
3. Download laser-splitting directions to a file with a user-friendly map and conventional hyperlinks.
4. Let them wear your special virtual love memory glasses so they can see how beautiful they are to you and so that they know what they look like so they can tell when you're thinking of them.
5. Show them the interference pattern so they can understand you.
6. Make them cocoa when it's really foggy.

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How To Sing The Blues

LAFF A DAY - Tuesday, February 27, 2001

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. Like:  "I got a good woman -- with the meanest dog in town."
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Like:
• Got a good woman
• with the meanest dog in town.
• He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
• and he weighs `bout 500 pounds.
4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
• Violet
• Beige
• Mauve
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall.
10. Good places for the Blues:
• The highway
• The jailhouse
• The empty bed
11. Bad places:
• Ashrams
• Gallery openings
• Weekend in the Hamptons
12. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
13. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if:
• Your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
• You're blind
• You shot a man in Memphis.
• You can't be satisfied.
14. No, if:
• You were once blind but now can see.
• You're deaf
• You have a trust fund.
15. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the blues.
16. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
17. Other blues beverages are:
• Wine
• Irish whiskey
• Muddy water
18. Blues beverages are NOT:
• Any mixed drink
• Any wine kosher for Passover
• Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
19. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room.
20. It is not a blues death, if you die during a liposuction treatment.

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Interesting Things You Didn't Know You Didn't Know

1. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
2. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
3. A snail can sleep for three years.
4. All polar bears are left handed.
5. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
6. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
7. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
9. Butterflies taste with their feet
10. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about 10.
11. Cats urine glows under a black light.
12. China has more English speakers than the United States.
13. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear any pants.
14. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
15. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
16. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
17. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
18. I am is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
19. If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.
20. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
21. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
22. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you will have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
23. In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
24. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
25. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
26. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
27. Michael Jordan has more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
28. No word in the English language rhymes with month.
29. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
30. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
31. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 1930's lobbied against hemp farmers-they saw it as competition.
32. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
33. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
34. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
35. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
36. Starfish haven't got brains.
37. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
38. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
39. The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
40. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
41. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
42. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
43. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
44. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
45. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
46. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
47. The name Wendy was made up for the book 'Peter Pan'.
48. The Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as necessary. When it was built in the 1940's, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
49. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
50. The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
51. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
52. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
53. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
54. You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
55. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

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Interesting Thoughts You Hever Bothered Having

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
10. When cheese gets its picture taken what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language (actually the Bible) Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it "FEDup"?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of baldmen?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use?
22. Toothpicks?
23. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
24. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
25. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
26. No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is winning.
27. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
30. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

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Jock vs. Nerd

In answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?", consider the following:

• Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game.
• That = $10,000 a minute, at an average 30 minutes per game.
• With $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
• If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
• If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
• If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
• He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
• He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
• If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
• If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
• He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
• Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
• If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
• He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
• He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
• While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
• This Year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing, isn't it?

However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Game over.

Nerd wins.

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New Barbie Dolls

Finally a Barbie I can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

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Newspapers of the Day

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand the Washington Post.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.

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Principles of Adversity (Murphy's Law and more...)

1. Murphy's Law: (1) Nothing is as easy at it looks; (2) Everything takes longer than you think; (3) If anything can go wrong, it will.
2. O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy: Murphy was an optimist
3. The Unspeakable law: As soon as you mention something, if it's good, it goes away; if it's bad, it happens.
4. Law of Expectations: Negative expectations yeild negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.
5. Howe's Law: Every man has a scheme that won't work.
6. Etorre's Theorem: A day without a crisis is a total loss.
7. Brambam's observation: The other line always moves faster.
8. Skinner's Constant: That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten.
9. Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
10. Jenning's Corollary: The chance of the bread falling with the jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
11. Gordon's First Law: If a research project is not worth doing, it is worth not doing well.
12. Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be modified.
13. Haor's Law of Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
14. Boren's First Law: When in doubt, mumble.
15. Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people; those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.
16. Dochter's Dictum: Somewhere, right now, there's a committee deciding your future, and you weren't invited.
17. Rule of Projects: The first 90 percent of any project takes 90 percent of the time, and the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.
18. Scheuber's Hypothesis: Don't try to fix nothing that ain't broke.
19. Gardner's Philosophy: Brilliant opportunities are cleverly disguised as insolvable problems.
20. Shultze's Speculation: If you can't be right, be wrong at the top of your voice.
21. Longdon's Law: The more relevant a piece of information, the more difficult it is to measure.
22. St. Benedict's Dictum: It is easier to beg forgiveness than to seek permission.
23. Sattinger's Law of Electronics: It works better if you plug it in.
24. Dibble's First Law of Sociology: Some do and some don't.
25. Pubbler's Observation: thing that begins wds badly.
26. Mort's Corollary: Anything that begins badly gets worse.
27. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
28. Contingency Principle of Management: It all depends.
29. First Rule of Motivation: To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
30. The Peter Principle: In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.
31. Parkinson's Laws: Work expands to occupy time. Expenditures rise to meet income.
32. The Law of Verbal Burble: When all is said and done, more has been said than done.
33. And finally: If you think you can -- or think you can't -- you're absolutely right.

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Proverbs For The Millennium

• Home is where you hang your @
• The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
• A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
• You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
• Great groups from little icons grow.
• Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
• C:\ is the root of all directories.
• Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
• Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
• The modem is the message.
• Too many clicks spoil the browse.
• The geek shall inherit the earth.
• A chat has nine lives.
• Don't byte off more than you can view.
• Fax is stranger than fiction.
• What boots up must come down.
• Windows will never cease.
• In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
• Virtual reality is its own reward.
• Modulation in all things.
• A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
• There's no place like http://www.home.co <http://www.home.com>
• Know what to expect before you connect.
• Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
• Speed thrills.
• Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

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Rules for Writers

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Be more or less specific.
7. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
8. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
9. No sentence fragments.
10. Don't use no double negatives.
11. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

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Signs That You've Had Too Much of the 90s:

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
5. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"
6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.
9. Every commercial on television you watch has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
10. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
11. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
12. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
13. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
14. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
15. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

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Ten Best Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk:

• 10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
• 9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
• 8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
• 7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
• 6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
• 5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
• 4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
• 3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
• 2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

• 1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

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Things To Ponder for 2001

1. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
2. Birthdays are good for you: the more you have the longer you live.
3. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
4. I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
5. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
6. Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
7. If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?
8. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
9. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
10. Don't cry because its over; smile because it happened.
11. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different  colors but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
14. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

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True Laws . . . as of 10/98

Alabama:

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

California:

Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

Connecticut:

You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.

You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

Florida:

Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.

A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

Illinois:

It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.

Indiana:

Bathing is prohibited during the winter.

Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.

Iowa:

Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

Kentucky:

By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."

It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

Louisiana:

It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.

Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."

Massachusetts:

Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.

Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.

An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

Nebraska:

A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.

New Mexico:

Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.

New York:

A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

North Dakota:

Beer & pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.

Ohio:

Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

Oklahoma:

Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.

Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.

Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

Pennsylvania:

A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.

No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.

Texas:

A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

Vermont:

Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week-on Saturday night.

Washington:

All lollipops are banned.

A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.

West Virginia:

No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

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Thirty-three Steps Toward Personal Growth and Life Fulfillment

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self judgment.
8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
9. Joan of Arc heard voices too.
10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a  lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy  me nice things.
15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
17. I am at one with my duality.
18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than I told you so!
23. False hope is better than no hope at all.
24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute.... Ill find someone.
27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

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1999 Darwin Awards

As we all focus on welcoming in the new year, new century, and beginning the millennium celebration, a brief retrospective in memory of those who've gone before. To wit, the long awaited 1999 Darwin "Natural Selection" Awards have been released!

These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

Ladies And Gentlemen... (drum roll... and envelope please)...We proudly present the 1999 "Natural Selection" awards:...

• 5TH RUNNER-UP: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old (name withheld) was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. (name withheld) and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and (name withheld) crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.


• 4TH RUNNER-UP: Goes to (name withheld), 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St.Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, (name withheld) grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.


• 3RD RUNNER-UP: Goes to poacher (name withheld) of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.


• 2ND RUNNER-UP: "Man loses face at party". A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the man in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap intohis mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. (name withheld), 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it", said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." "He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off", Payne said. (name withheld) was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division.


• 1ST RUNNER-UP: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. (name withheld), 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered (name withheld)'s right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and (name withheld) would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had (name withheld) tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. (name withheld) admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said (name withheld) "I feel so dumb about this".

• NOW THIS YEAR'S WINNERS:
  (The late) (name withheld) and his friend, (the late) (name withheld), of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan was for (the late) (name withheld), who was 100-pounds heavier than (name withheld), to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) (name withheld), there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, (did I mention that he is THE LATE) (name withheld) crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum.

To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3 inches. (The late) (name withheld), on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found (name withheld) under it, half-naked scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.

Congratulations gentlemen, you win...

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Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

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Your Daily Moment of Zen

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Come to think of it, do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with your spurs on.
16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
19. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
20. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
23. A closed mouth gathers no food.
24. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

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